Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Probably no one comes here anymore

But I hope you still do.

I don't fully understand my own emotions well, let alone being able to express or act upon it. Hence, at the end of the day, ignorance is the safest answer.

I have always considered myself cowardly, hiding behind a brave facade. In making a mental choice, between a safe, certain (of course, less exciting and a lot less potential) choice and a choice of the opposite (vulnerable, exciting, with a lot more potential), majority of the times I would take the safer option. Not only because it is easier (you don't miss what you don't have?), but also the potential to hurt is a lot less too.

I have never made real effort to be 'friends' with vulnerability. And at the end of the day, I am a lot worse off as vulnerability has now become this stranger, affecting life whether I like it or not.

News that I have recently received, no other news could be both more exhilarating and more confusing at the same time. Give me a physical problem, I can fix it or at least think of many many possible ways to. But, a matter like this, I am as lost as an eight year old! I do not know what to do about it or even what to feel about it.

Unsurprisingly, my first reaction is to be pessimistic, feign ignorance and pretend I do not care. But I do, as much as I do not want to. These things are never easy to figure out and I am at an utter lost. It's complicated. There are so many things to make clear of and so many questions to answer.

Is it something worth the effort, worth giving in to vulnerability for? But by doing so, it might all go very very wrong and whatever the outcome, someone will get hurt, either myself or someone else. Am I trespassing into forbidden territory? I am pretty sure I am.

The question that I cannot let down though is: Am I letting go of another wonderful opportunity?

Part of me does not want anyone to see this. But part of me wants to try and hope you get here.